30.9.08
dear...
today i had a realization about you. i feel like you don't care about anyone but yourself, and you only use people for your own benefit. i feel like you don't have any passion, i feel like you are living for today, and not for the future. i hate to sound like i'm holding it against you, but your lack of faith really gets to me, and i think thats why you are so pessimistic about life. i care about you, and you know it. we're blood. don't let the shallowness and selfishness of others blind the love that some have for you and the calling that is on your life...it's so heavy. i can feel it and sometimes even see it.
29.9.08
Interview
During a job interview I think it's a good idea to research the company AND the interviewer as thoroughly as possible.
"Did you know, your mom didn't actually want to have a baby?"
"Did you know, your mom didn't actually want to have a baby?"
27.9.08
Awesome
I like to think I'm pretty awesome.
...But it's only been five minutes, and I've already spilled something on my new scarve.
...But it's only been five minutes, and I've already spilled something on my new scarve.
Starrys
Things I like to say out loud at Starbucks:
1) i didn't really care for the Garden State soundtrack
2) do you know their's a BRITISH version of the office? ...I heard it's not as good.
3) Is the plural form of glide, glid? I think it's glid.
1) i didn't really care for the Garden State soundtrack
2) do you know their's a BRITISH version of the office? ...I heard it's not as good.
3) Is the plural form of glide, glid? I think it's glid.
26.9.08
Braces
An old person wearing braces is like an old cat wearing a wooden tail.
...there's no point, and everyone is staring.
...there's no point, and everyone is staring.
25.9.08
Wikipedia
Can you imagine if wikipedia had youtube's design?
comment: aw shiz lol this shiz iz hylarious
comment: no, ray89 YOU are a fag. it's obvious you didn't read the article in ? He died in 1889
comment: i think he died in 1889.
comment: hey boys great job! Cum see my info on article: carrots.
comment: aw shiz lol this shiz iz hylarious
comment: no, ray89 YOU are a fag. it's obvious you didn't read the article in ? He died in 1889
comment: i think he died in 1889.
comment: hey boys great job! Cum see my info on article: carrots.
24.9.08
a thought, a thought...oh what a thought.
I sat on the bench outside by the park,
and as the sun spilled through the fall leaves
and the warm breeze wisped through my newly cut hair...i thought.
i thought of all the things i fret about. the small things, that don't really mean a lot to him, that mean the world to me.
the things that he does, his little quirks, if you will...yes. i thought of those, too.
i thought of us and how we were and how we should be. and how we could be...
i thought of how ever since he's shown me some kindness
ever since I realized that I like him
that he is my type
I have been overly conscious of everything I do
and wondering why in the world he would
choose and pursue
me
but, then i thought...
oh wait, he's not.
and so i'm moving on.
and as the sun spilled through the fall leaves
and the warm breeze wisped through my newly cut hair...i thought.
i thought of all the things i fret about. the small things, that don't really mean a lot to him, that mean the world to me.
the things that he does, his little quirks, if you will...yes. i thought of those, too.
i thought of us and how we were and how we should be. and how we could be...
i thought of how ever since he's shown me some kindness
ever since I realized that I like him
that he is my type
I have been overly conscious of everything I do
and wondering why in the world he would
choose and pursue
me
but, then i thought...
oh wait, he's not.
and so i'm moving on.
23.9.08
i'll trade you my panini for your paragraph.
Cheese, I know.
But, that only furthers my point ... you can put cheese on a sandwich or in a paragraph.
I sort of hope no one (but those dear) ever find this. Can I say that when I have knowingly created a "diary" of sorts on the world wide web? Hmmmm. Yes, I think so.
Well, journal. Here I am. I've retreated to my office during lunch break. That's when I'll be seeing you, I guess. At lunch. Really it's the only part of my day that is mine. One fine hour to find the local panera by Mercy hospital and stuff myself in caloric ecstacy. One fine hour to sit on a park bench, feel the grass under my feet, and remember I am human today. One hour to reprimand myself into returning to work for the afternoon.
But, I've found, that in this one lunch hour of perceived "being," I am left a bit hungry. Seems writing might be for me a sort of guilty pleasure, a second piece of cheesecake, yeah?
And to that end, why, if a girl has found the dessert tray, should she have to go around eating meatloaf from 9 to 5 everyday? Because meatloaf pays for her car insurance. Maybe she'll get darn good at meatloaf anyway.
lunch break is up.
But, that only furthers my point ... you can put cheese on a sandwich or in a paragraph.
I sort of hope no one (but those dear) ever find this. Can I say that when I have knowingly created a "diary" of sorts on the world wide web? Hmmmm. Yes, I think so.
Well, journal. Here I am. I've retreated to my office during lunch break. That's when I'll be seeing you, I guess. At lunch. Really it's the only part of my day that is mine. One fine hour to find the local panera by Mercy hospital and stuff myself in caloric ecstacy. One fine hour to sit on a park bench, feel the grass under my feet, and remember I am human today. One hour to reprimand myself into returning to work for the afternoon.
But, I've found, that in this one lunch hour of perceived "being," I am left a bit hungry. Seems writing might be for me a sort of guilty pleasure, a second piece of cheesecake, yeah?
And to that end, why, if a girl has found the dessert tray, should she have to go around eating meatloaf from 9 to 5 everyday? Because meatloaf pays for her car insurance. Maybe she'll get darn good at meatloaf anyway.
lunch break is up.
22.9.08
a drop in barometric pressure
every now and then
the lightning dances in the rain
the thunder crashes low
and rolls over our homes at night
and in the morning glow
we thank God for his show of grace
because he could've done us in
and we would've deserved it
but no
the lightning dances in the rain
the thunder crashes low
and rolls over our homes at night
and in the morning glow
we thank God for his show of grace
because he could've done us in
and we would've deserved it
but no
21.9.08
WARNING: if this paragraph is directed towards you...then get ready
I'm so sick of you. I'm not fully comprehending why you do the things you do. You confuse me beyond confusion! You never talk/respond to me and that frustrates me to no end. At least i try and make an effort to start some civil conversation. I'm not a retard, you know...I understand when someone is being distant, though, with you i don't understand why. I mean, i could understand it if you would take the time out of your "busy" life and make a small gentleman-like gesture and pick up your phone, which apparently never receives my phone calls or texts, and call me and explain to me why you act the way you do. I'm not a clingy girl...i'm just one that doesn't like being ignored by someone who supposedely cares about me. (HA) and a part of me REALLY would like to tell you all of this, but nahhh, you wouldn't respond back anyways. ....yes, i realize this paragraph is harsh. But, my feelings toward you right now are harsh. and this is MY blogspot so i can say whatever i darned-well please. I guess i need to learn to say goodbye without actually saying a formal goodbye...because that's what i'm going to have to do.
So, I can't do this anymore. I'm done trying to be "something" with you. I think I'm done being friends with you. At least trying to hang out with you. I DO deserve better and as a good friend keeps telling me... I shouldn't settle. God has someone for me...and if it's you...well, then, i hope you will have grown up by then.
So, I can't do this anymore. I'm done trying to be "something" with you. I think I'm done being friends with you. At least trying to hang out with you. I DO deserve better and as a good friend keeps telling me... I shouldn't settle. God has someone for me...and if it's you...well, then, i hope you will have grown up by then.
Angles
When I look out my office window,
if I position myself just right, i see a lovely green pine tree.
When I look out my office window,
if I position myself just right, i can't see that the rest of the said tree is brown and dead.
When I lok out my office window,
if I position myself just right, I can almost ignore the miniature powerplant behind my dying tree friend.
Life is about the angles and the ignorance.
(?)
Not a bit true. But maybe we could learn to love a thing for what it really is.
The full picture. The entire scope.
Then, the homely would become beautiful.
Of course, charlie brown would agree ... he knew a good tree when he saw one.
if I position myself just right, i see a lovely green pine tree.
When I look out my office window,
if I position myself just right, i can't see that the rest of the said tree is brown and dead.
When I lok out my office window,
if I position myself just right, I can almost ignore the miniature powerplant behind my dying tree friend.
Life is about the angles and the ignorance.
(?)
Not a bit true. But maybe we could learn to love a thing for what it really is.
The full picture. The entire scope.
Then, the homely would become beautiful.
Of course, charlie brown would agree ... he knew a good tree when he saw one.
17.9.08
garnishes and gods
the past day has been quite a doosey. a kick in the shins, if you will. something like a painfully long movie during an awkward date.
it began with some news from my AP Euro teacher (shmitty) and only got better from there. but despite the chaos, i'm finding joy in the small things of life right now. you know, the garnishes. the bit of lime in my coke.
like today, i was at a "Challenge Day" with 1500 high school freshman who had never heard of the word "GPA". but, still. I learned.
1. That the more times you use the word "rad," the more street credibility you have with the 15 year old hipsters
ex: PCN's challenge program is so rad, you can totally hang with the profs and like learn bout' you know, nasty awesome words.
2. That although UCO doesn't offer "professional piercing" as a field of study, there may be a strong need to implement this major in the future at the request of students
3. That in some ways we are all still a bunch of freshman high schoolers at heart, wearing our standard uniforms, traveling in self-protective packs, and trying to "appear" interested in the informational pamphlets of life... But, the truth is, while we pretend to read the small print, we're all really just looking at the pictures.
and speaking of, that's why billboards are so intrusive and gaudy ... and perfectly effective! every day i pass this certain one which displays a lime next to an alcoholic beverage. something about how the two were made for each other. questionable. i think that's a bit discriminatory myself. why, limes are also useful for pies and salsa and coke!
and so for the sake of keeping my blog g-rated (hi mom), i'll refer to a tamer beverage for this already nonsensical metaphor.
you see, i'm convinced that every time i insist on adding a lime to my coke, i become an ounce less affected by its flavor. where once i used to add only one slice, now i find myself asking for an entire bowl of limes -- ships of them!
no longer am a satisfied by a faint citrus taste. and gone are the days when i asked for lime with my coke. the appropriate question has instead become: "may i have a little coke with my lime?"
(this is getting long. superfulous. stick with me.)
the point is, when i indulge in my selfish nature and seek only to satisfy myself, even "good" things can become idols. and idols will always leave a bad taste in your mouth. spiritual highs. money. security. piety. jealousy.
slavery, all of it. because garnishes were never meant to satisfy within themselves. garnishes are false gods when we let them be. what am i addicted to? what am i putting in my life to fill the void of the real thing, the real One?
as trevor hall so profoundly puts it, "it took a while for you to find me, cause i was hiding in the lime tree."
it began with some news from my AP Euro teacher (shmitty) and only got better from there. but despite the chaos, i'm finding joy in the small things of life right now. you know, the garnishes. the bit of lime in my coke.
like today, i was at a "Challenge Day" with 1500 high school freshman who had never heard of the word "GPA". but, still. I learned.
1. That the more times you use the word "rad," the more street credibility you have with the 15 year old hipsters
ex: PCN's challenge program is so rad, you can totally hang with the profs and like learn bout' you know, nasty awesome words.
2. That although UCO doesn't offer "professional piercing" as a field of study, there may be a strong need to implement this major in the future at the request of students
3. That in some ways we are all still a bunch of freshman high schoolers at heart, wearing our standard uniforms, traveling in self-protective packs, and trying to "appear" interested in the informational pamphlets of life... But, the truth is, while we pretend to read the small print, we're all really just looking at the pictures.
and speaking of, that's why billboards are so intrusive and gaudy ... and perfectly effective! every day i pass this certain one which displays a lime next to an alcoholic beverage. something about how the two were made for each other. questionable. i think that's a bit discriminatory myself. why, limes are also useful for pies and salsa and coke!
and so for the sake of keeping my blog g-rated (hi mom), i'll refer to a tamer beverage for this already nonsensical metaphor.
you see, i'm convinced that every time i insist on adding a lime to my coke, i become an ounce less affected by its flavor. where once i used to add only one slice, now i find myself asking for an entire bowl of limes -- ships of them!
no longer am a satisfied by a faint citrus taste. and gone are the days when i asked for lime with my coke. the appropriate question has instead become: "may i have a little coke with my lime?"
(this is getting long. superfulous. stick with me.)
the point is, when i indulge in my selfish nature and seek only to satisfy myself, even "good" things can become idols. and idols will always leave a bad taste in your mouth. spiritual highs. money. security. piety. jealousy.
slavery, all of it. because garnishes were never meant to satisfy within themselves. garnishes are false gods when we let them be. what am i addicted to? what am i putting in my life to fill the void of the real thing, the real One?
as trevor hall so profoundly puts it, "it took a while for you to find me, cause i was hiding in the lime tree."
15.9.08
here i am
It's been a weird time.
It's not that there's something wrong.
God opened a door and I ran through it (and I regret nothing).
But I don't know what it is.
I feel like I ran here rather quickly.
I'm not sure whether I ran to get away from something...
or ran for something to follow me.
I'm running.
And for some reason God's letting me.
He's blessing the steps I've been taking.
I feel like I'm running towards him like a little child runs to his parents after he skins his knee for the first time.
It's a desperate run.
I run towards open arms.
I'm after an embrace of sorts.
I don't know what I expected.
I had no idea how this would be.
Maybe in the back of my mind I thought I'd get a feeling of fulfillment.
But that's not what's happening.
I went almost a day and a half without talking to anyone.
No communication whatsoever.
No emails, no instant messages, no phone calls, no nothing.
I know I have friends.
But in all of my friends lives they've had the opportunity to leave and see the world, and to live a little. And they've always expected me to stay where I was (and until now I have).
I don't really have a best friend.
I seriously don't. I do not have that one person that I can share whatever is on my mind with. I'm not trying to dis the friends that I do have. But they honestly have no idea what I'm up to. and they are too far away and too busy to care, probably. I don't know how to say it.
I can't articulate the feelings and thoughts that have been in my head lately.
As of right now I can honestly say that no one really knows my heart.
I'd be nice if I weren't the only one chasing after it.
Cause I'm pretty sure that's what I'm looking for up here.
My heart.
Here I am, Lord
It's not that there's something wrong.
God opened a door and I ran through it (and I regret nothing).
But I don't know what it is.
I feel like I ran here rather quickly.
I'm not sure whether I ran to get away from something...
or ran for something to follow me.
I'm running.
And for some reason God's letting me.
He's blessing the steps I've been taking.
I feel like I'm running towards him like a little child runs to his parents after he skins his knee for the first time.
It's a desperate run.
I run towards open arms.
I'm after an embrace of sorts.
I don't know what I expected.
I had no idea how this would be.
Maybe in the back of my mind I thought I'd get a feeling of fulfillment.
But that's not what's happening.
I went almost a day and a half without talking to anyone.
No communication whatsoever.
No emails, no instant messages, no phone calls, no nothing.
I know I have friends.
But in all of my friends lives they've had the opportunity to leave and see the world, and to live a little. And they've always expected me to stay where I was (and until now I have).
I don't really have a best friend.
I seriously don't. I do not have that one person that I can share whatever is on my mind with. I'm not trying to dis the friends that I do have. But they honestly have no idea what I'm up to. and they are too far away and too busy to care, probably. I don't know how to say it.
I can't articulate the feelings and thoughts that have been in my head lately.
As of right now I can honestly say that no one really knows my heart.
I'd be nice if I weren't the only one chasing after it.
Cause I'm pretty sure that's what I'm looking for up here.
My heart.
Here I am, Lord
i french pressed my morning in the face
I don't know why I'm dragging myself through this, I have so much fun with you, but is it worth the emotional strain? I'm just not for sure, but it seems like it won't matter for much longer, once you're up and moved and you can't see me, I just can't be sure that you're going to want to. I'm pretty positive you won't. On a scale of 1 - 10 it's about an 8. Yeah, you apologized for being rude..but, those things you said to me still stung. But, yet...i'm the rude one? Maybe it's because we kind of skipped friend-mode. We jumped into the water too fast and i wasn't ready. You weren't(aren't) ready either. But, the least you could do is stop ignoring me. and I just wish you would act the same way around me all the time. It's obvious that you're hurting me, if people not involved in my life can notice it why can't you?
I got some reading done in Sex God today. Rob was talking about women realizing what love is and that they shouldn't settle for anything less than agape. Agape is the word used to describe how God's love of people. And how in marriage a man is supposed to love his wife how Christ loved the church. So a man is supposed to agape his wife, just as God agapes us. But agape isn't love as we know it, love as we know it is a need... something we get from others. Agape gives to others. I'm sure we've all saw that couple that you just know loves each other. Agapes each other. Rob tells a story about a wife that has cancer and he can tell when the husband talks about her or to her that he would take the cancer from her if he could. Agape. Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy. Agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love. Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful. Agape loves in such a way it makes them beautiful. What if a woman who is constantly let down by her husband treated him as if he were the man she wishes he was? What if she agapes him, with all of his flaws. If you're the man you'd be much more motivated to not let down your wife if you're being treated as if you're a great man rather than being let known of your shortcomings. For God so agaped the world...and the man is supposed to agape his wife like this? It's a large task. Personally it's scary to me. And it shows. In Greek the command in that passage for the woman is 47 words long but for the man 143 words. It's a big deal. But, you deserve it. Everyone does. And Everyone wants that kind of agape. Some people think of sex as I have what you want and you have what I want, lets make a deal. I need this you need that. The sad thing is that some girls learn this at such a young age. That in order to feel validated, loved, worth something they have to give themselves to a boy, in order to get that in return they give them something. Trust me...i know. But, You have worth from your creator. When a woman carries herself with honor and dignity that are hers, it forces the men around her to relate to her on more than just a flesh level. More than just "Damn shawwwty you lookin' good." One of Rob's friends was engaged to a man and her friends didn't like him. Well he says not excited about their marriage but we all know what that means. So a friend of hers said to her "When a woman is loved well, she opens like a flower." She taught her what agape is and what agape isn't with that one phrase, she broke off the marriage BTDubs. When a woman lives "in Christ" she forces the man to rethink what it means to be a man. This is probably why in the Bible it talks about the man "dying" for the woman, and visa-versa. Committing is scary. I'm scared to death of it. I don't want to give up all of the freedoms I have as a single woman. Committing demands courage and strength. Relationships are about committing, taking a leap from your comfort zone, trust that this mysterious theory of a man "dying" for a woman and woman "dying" for a man is really agape. That she'd be worth it. Because she's worth dying for...
I got some reading done in Sex God today. Rob was talking about women realizing what love is and that they shouldn't settle for anything less than agape. Agape is the word used to describe how God's love of people. And how in marriage a man is supposed to love his wife how Christ loved the church. So a man is supposed to agape his wife, just as God agapes us. But agape isn't love as we know it, love as we know it is a need... something we get from others. Agape gives to others. I'm sure we've all saw that couple that you just know loves each other. Agapes each other. Rob tells a story about a wife that has cancer and he can tell when the husband talks about her or to her that he would take the cancer from her if he could. Agape. Agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy. Agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love. Agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful. Agape loves in such a way it makes them beautiful. What if a woman who is constantly let down by her husband treated him as if he were the man she wishes he was? What if she agapes him, with all of his flaws. If you're the man you'd be much more motivated to not let down your wife if you're being treated as if you're a great man rather than being let known of your shortcomings. For God so agaped the world...and the man is supposed to agape his wife like this? It's a large task. Personally it's scary to me. And it shows. In Greek the command in that passage for the woman is 47 words long but for the man 143 words. It's a big deal. But, you deserve it. Everyone does. And Everyone wants that kind of agape. Some people think of sex as I have what you want and you have what I want, lets make a deal. I need this you need that. The sad thing is that some girls learn this at such a young age. That in order to feel validated, loved, worth something they have to give themselves to a boy, in order to get that in return they give them something. Trust me...i know. But, You have worth from your creator. When a woman carries herself with honor and dignity that are hers, it forces the men around her to relate to her on more than just a flesh level. More than just "Damn shawwwty you lookin' good." One of Rob's friends was engaged to a man and her friends didn't like him. Well he says not excited about their marriage but we all know what that means. So a friend of hers said to her "When a woman is loved well, she opens like a flower." She taught her what agape is and what agape isn't with that one phrase, she broke off the marriage BTDubs. When a woman lives "in Christ" she forces the man to rethink what it means to be a man. This is probably why in the Bible it talks about the man "dying" for the woman, and visa-versa. Committing is scary. I'm scared to death of it. I don't want to give up all of the freedoms I have as a single woman. Committing demands courage and strength. Relationships are about committing, taking a leap from your comfort zone, trust that this mysterious theory of a man "dying" for a woman and woman "dying" for a man is really agape. That she'd be worth it. Because she's worth dying for...
9.9.08
it's a bit overcast today
I recently came across a podcast of Rob Bell and it's like he knew exactly what I needed to hear. Well, I didn't know it's what I needed to hear until I heard it.... It was all encouraging but it was also a thump to the head. I am selfish. All I do is think about myself. I work to feed, clothe, and support myself. None of that money goes to anywhere else but tithe which I even forget to do sometimes. God has blessed me unfathomably, i need to bless others! And when it comes to me playing music... it became all about me. Not once before this past practice did I pray or talk to God about what I was doing. How am I supposed to be playing for Him and leading others into an intimate time of worship when I wont even talk to Him? This was probably the worst I have ever played... I think God was definitely trying to get my attention. Not by making me suck but putting my priorities back in order. I am a dumb dumb girl sometimes and I don't know what I would do without God helping me not get lost. For the past month I feel like I have been blindfolded and dropped off at a random location then someone told me GOOD LUCK! But, God took me by the hand and led me home....again.
I was also thrifting the other day and while i was browsing the book section i ran across this dusty devotional book which I'm really excited to get into. It's not much but it's something to make me think during the day. I need to meditate on God more instead of letting other things consume my thoughts. The thoughts that usually consume me make me tired and my heart weary.
Also, fall arrived today. I walked outside and breathed in the cool, crisp air and shivered a little...then i smiled. I love everything about it. hmm...this makes me want to take up knitting or something.
I was also thrifting the other day and while i was browsing the book section i ran across this dusty devotional book which I'm really excited to get into. It's not much but it's something to make me think during the day. I need to meditate on God more instead of letting other things consume my thoughts. The thoughts that usually consume me make me tired and my heart weary.
Also, fall arrived today. I walked outside and breathed in the cool, crisp air and shivered a little...then i smiled. I love everything about it. hmm...this makes me want to take up knitting or something.
8.9.08
to speak of
I've never felt so discontent in my life. I feel 2nd best to everything & everyone. I feel like I've given up the best I've ever had. I need a job. I realize I haven't worked for almost anything I own. It was all bought or given to me from my parents or sisters. I'm 17 years old. I need to grow up & learn things for myself.
Here's an off-the-cuff poem:
and the ropes
always understated the ropes
hold the trapeze artist
hold the man with the muscles dragging the bus
and the lady to the tracks
always understated and always under pressure
such tension
in the twines and strands
who am i to think i am so threadbare
letting the boat from its mooring is the most polite thing to do
Here's an off-the-cuff poem:
and the ropes
always understated the ropes
hold the trapeze artist
hold the man with the muscles dragging the bus
and the lady to the tracks
always understated and always under pressure
such tension
in the twines and strands
who am i to think i am so threadbare
letting the boat from its mooring is the most polite thing to do
oh boy...
Center Stage
your eyes
your smile
The words all over the pages
of my heart that you've spoken
whether meaningful or not
The platform
all you are
that I do not know
squished between the moments
I've clamped myself to
memories of you
doing nothing
just existing
maybe with me in mind
maybe not
Behind the curtain
Me
Still hoping
that you would see the real me
and maybe that would spark some more curiousity
I thought, Maybe I'll be special
Maybe not
You said, Maybe you'll be special
Probably not...
your eyes
your smile
The words all over the pages
of my heart that you've spoken
whether meaningful or not
The platform
all you are
that I do not know
squished between the moments
I've clamped myself to
memories of you
doing nothing
just existing
maybe with me in mind
maybe not
Behind the curtain
Me
Still hoping
that you would see the real me
and maybe that would spark some more curiousity
I thought, Maybe I'll be special
Maybe not
You said, Maybe you'll be special
Probably not...
7.9.08
perfection at its best
I'm not having a good day. So, here is a poem to reflect my anger and frustration....enjoy. (or not)
this can't keep happening...
this dysfunctional cycle of hate.
what's wrong with me?
why can't i break free?
is the reason you leave because of me?
of course it is.
i can't do anything right.
and i can't believe you would expect me to all the time.
that's not the only thing you expect from me
oh, no...not at all.
there is so much more to it. So much more to me
than you care to see.
because i don't show you, i can't show you.
every word you have spoken has cut deep into my core
and you can't see that.
you can't see how everytime someone touches on a sensitive spot
i try and hold back the tears; the tears i don't want anyone to see
because, you don't understand,
none of you do.
you can't see it, either.
because i'm really good at what i do;
fake smile, fake joy, fake...love.
get the picture?
no...don't pretend you do.
i'm the one that's supposed to do all the pretending.
this can't keep happening...
this dysfunctional cycle of hate.
what's wrong with me?
why can't i break free?
is the reason you leave because of me?
of course it is.
i can't do anything right.
and i can't believe you would expect me to all the time.
that's not the only thing you expect from me
oh, no...not at all.
there is so much more to it. So much more to me
than you care to see.
because i don't show you, i can't show you.
every word you have spoken has cut deep into my core
and you can't see that.
you can't see how everytime someone touches on a sensitive spot
i try and hold back the tears; the tears i don't want anyone to see
because, you don't understand,
none of you do.
you can't see it, either.
because i'm really good at what i do;
fake smile, fake joy, fake...love.
get the picture?
no...don't pretend you do.
i'm the one that's supposed to do all the pretending.
6.9.08
keep your coins, i want change
It's strange to think that you can grow so vastly in one day. That, incredibly, something can change so quickly in you that you're not the same, in what seems to be a blink of an eye.
I think we underestimate our desires to change, to grow into intellectual persons, and break our molds of what we consider our limits to be. Have we become satisfied with who we are? The words we decide to say have a reverberation effect, our actions echo out for what seems to be an entirety. Have we become complacent? Maybe we have become comfortable with who we are, or are afraid to move forward to cultivate and develop ourselves.
May you become conscious that we do not evolve, as humans, because ....Darwin.... said so, but because God deliberately designed us to this way. And sometimes the need for change is hard, sometimes easy, a lot of times we don't want it, but it's a necessity for us to develop as people. So when change comes to you in forms of, academics, life circumstances, and even down to our emotions, may we lift our hands in praise God for these moments, because if our goal in life is to be more like Christ, we have a lot of changing to do.
So I encourage you to find God's heart, to long to be more like it and become more responsive and sensitive to ways God want you to change.
God has been changing me.
I think we underestimate our desires to change, to grow into intellectual persons, and break our molds of what we consider our limits to be. Have we become satisfied with who we are? The words we decide to say have a reverberation effect, our actions echo out for what seems to be an entirety. Have we become complacent? Maybe we have become comfortable with who we are, or are afraid to move forward to cultivate and develop ourselves.
May you become conscious that we do not evolve, as humans, because ....Darwin.... said so, but because God deliberately designed us to this way. And sometimes the need for change is hard, sometimes easy, a lot of times we don't want it, but it's a necessity for us to develop as people. So when change comes to you in forms of, academics, life circumstances, and even down to our emotions, may we lift our hands in praise God for these moments, because if our goal in life is to be more like Christ, we have a lot of changing to do.
So I encourage you to find God's heart, to long to be more like it and become more responsive and sensitive to ways God want you to change.
God has been changing me.
the start of it all
Dear brothers and sisters,I hope this post marks the beginning of many to come. I hope for this to be a location of honesty, kind hearts, and creative reviews of music, movies, and literature. A place where we can all grow together...
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