extraodinary

the next day she awoke to the sunshine softly kissing her face.
"what a beautiful day." she thought to herself. she quickly threw on a white tank top and capri's; she didn't bother grabbing her shoes. the door squeaked a little when she opened it, but her family, sound asleep, didn't even budge. she smiled and hurridly headed down the steps.
a mixture of sky and sea greeted her as she squished her toes in the newly warmed sand. Mexico sure was beautiful. it's always everything she has ever dreamt of. the sunrise was her favorite, though. the hot pinks, bright oranges, and a hint of purple explodes above the crashing waves. everything about it is perfect.
her walk slowly turns into a jog, and as the warm, salty air wisps through her hair, she wonders if it is possible to marry the sea...

first there was silence

and solitiude.


seems like God is always talking to shepherds and monks. cause these folks, outside of the mainstream, don't get bent out of shape when their ipod's run out of battery. they don't schedule their weeks on tivo terms. their equivilant to rush hour traffic is ... well, they don't have one. maybe congestion in the sheep pen.

i've been curious about the Spirit lately. not so much wondering whether it's moving, but more so how it's moving. in what direction.

it would sure be something else to have the confide(nce) of the Writer. to share in the secrets of unfolding narrative.




david thought so too:


"The fact is, God, the Master, does nothing
without first telling his prophets the whole story.

The lion has roared--
who isn't frightened?

God has spoken--
what prophet can keep quiet?"

but what hurts the most...

and just when i start to be happy again, just when i have a day when you don't come to my mind, just when the pain and anger subsides in the very pit of my stomach....you somehow find a way to make it all flood back to me; like water that breaks through the dam i have been trying to build around my heart. i can't afford to keep building this stone wall any longer.

i just want you gone.

i want every part of you to be erased from my memory. you told me that you want to forget me? BS. you needed me more than i ever needed you. and guess what? i DON'T need you. not now, and not ever.

you have humiliated me, accused me, cheated me, lied to me, seduced me, and pounded me so far into guilt and shame that only God could help me out.

and after all of the hurt that you have put me through, and after all of the tears that have been shed...







i'm forgiving you.

Disney is asking for the script.

the girl i used to babysit was almost three, but a big talker. that's why i felt mounds of pressure when she asked me to tell her a story. panic started in like it used to during speech class when i knew i was bout to give an impromptu.

after the sweating and chills subsided, i began ...


me: once upon a time (safe start, right?) there was a girl who had a beautiful blue dress

her: girls where pink.

me: of course. like i said, this girl had a beautiful pink dress. though little one, you shouldn't always be so quick to reinforce gender stereotypes.

her: *nodding* (clearly not understanding a word)

me: so, this girl in her beautiful dress passed by an owl in the tree. what noise does an owl make hayley?

her: oink. oink.

me: yes (lie.) the owl said oink. oink. and the owl was lonely and had no friends. though who can expect much when the owl doesn't hooo as he ought.

her: (looking distraught) what color is the owl?

me: pink, though not opposed to blue. so, the girl in the beautiful dress climbed up the tree and tore her dress on the way up. and all because she wanted to help the owl.

her: (now walking away, nearing tears) you are the worst story teller that i've ever come into contact with in my three good years on earth. unimaginative, absurd, and a bit dark if i can just be frank with you, allison.

okay.

she didn't say all that, and i didn't say all that. however, after undergoing the stress to make up one pathetic skimp of a story, i've come to know that my maternal skills need some tending to.

and i have cold hands. that's another worry. a mother's hands should be warm.

good thing the only thing i've got to nurture at this point in my life is a plastic fern which sits in my dad's office.

remember?

and she awoke in the middle of the night...

"let my spirit carry you."



so i rest in your presence and breathe in deep.
you wipe away all shame that i keep.
i cry, be my strength when i am weak.
oh, lord, let your arms envelope me.

i'm not coping out when you're raising the dead in me.
the words he said were hollow and made me bleed.
but, the words you whisper to my heart are pure.
so, i throw my life upon all that you are.

and all that i have means nothing at all
compared to you and your glory.
your presence you offer, so i will take.
i inhale love and exhale hate.

shade 174. pomegranate-youre-still-a-dork-even-though-your-lips-are-red.

(now available in gloss)



i used to have a quote on my facebook. it ended with the last lines ...

"To stay young,
To save the world,
Break the mirror."

the author is a man. and so currently i'm working to transcribe this narration into a woman's tone.

today i found some inspiration. call it a personal reflection.

"To stay young,
To save the world,
Break the mirror ... after you get that lipstick off your teeth."

?
more to come ...

it's my template, isn't it?

i tried on skinny font and my super wit.

cause i wanted my blog to marry his blog.

but as it goes, his blog was dating an urban outfitters blog with swoopy hair and a degree in graphic design.





... and that's before i told him i graduate this year.

well, i've stopped biting my nails.

lately, i've been doing this weird ruffle my hair motion when i'm perplexed. i'm afraid people think it's a scalp problem, a bad case of dandruff. i can assure you, it's just a nervous habit.

things that perplex me as of late?

flirting.

car industry bail-outs.

and the unique economy of cubicle life.






also, i've been dying for a good scrabble match. (and not against my mom, she remains intensely more intelligent and verbose than i)

my life has gotten out of control, yeah? the excitement can be likened to bingo night at an old person's home.

they only play bingo cause no one has scrabble board.

we can't see anything

I'm not the same as i was.

The
sun, the moon, and the stars all look different now.

love

when you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you ... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain. but then when you are in love, it's like you're at the party, saying, where's my coat? i want to leave! i've been at this party for six years and i want to see other parties!

dictionary.com

You're: contraction of you are.
You're certain that's right?


Your:
1. (a form of the possessive case of you used as an attributive adjective)
Your jacket is in that closet. I like your idea. Compare yours.

2. one's (used to indicate that one belonging to oneself or to any person)
The consulate is your best source of information. As you go down the hill, the library is on your left.

3. (used informally to indicate all members of a group, occupation, etc., or things of a particular type)
Take your factory worker, for instance. Your power brakes don't need that much servicing.


Be aware that you're and your are two different words

fireflies in a jar

I'm learning to let go, to not hold on so tightly, to open the jar at just the right moment and enjoy the light.












there is also a one-legged woman who works at the ihop on the south side.

sometimes

sometimes people ask the question "is it better to have loved and lost than to never love at all?" and nobody gives a straight yes or no.

but of course it's not something you can answer easily (especially if one thinks they've already loved and lost). i mean come on, it's love we're talking about.

is it really possible to experience it fully?

i think so.

but not with the mindset that it's like chewing gum that you spit out once the flavor is gone. and we all know that when you spit out a piece of gum you do one of two things afterwords.
1.) you get a new piece of gum right away
2.) you wait awhile and chew another piece (an hour later, or after dinner, or maybe even days later).

love is not chewing gum. if you think it is then expect to chew a lot of gum.

love never fails.
love gives till it can't give anymore. then it gives some more.
love is a constant giving.

we haven't loved when we can't give anymore.
we haven't loved when it doesn't work. because love works.

love is not chewing gum.

now considering at one point in time i thought i had already experienced what one would call "love." but looking back i think i only experienced "chewing gum"
at times i doubted.
at times i said to myself "woah, what's happening?"

but i trucked on, i was committed to "love". i gave everything i had, then i gave some more.

and it still didn't work.

i held back.
i got selfish. i got insecure.
i didn't fully know myself.
therefore i did not know what all i had to give (or if it was even there... or what it even was).

it's like having your mom buy a christmas present for your sister and you somehow miss the memo about what the gift was exactly and go into christmas morning not knowing what could possibly be unwrapped. your sister opens the present and you get an ecstatic "thank you." you feel guilty because you can't really take credit for what was in that box. mainly because you had no idea what was in there to begin with. but also because if it was a terrible gift you would've handed all responsibility off to your mom (who has a reputation for not getting what anybody wants for 17 plus years now).

not knowing who you are and attempting love is just like having your mom buy a christmas present for your sister.
it's straight up dangerous. a russian roulette of sorts.
someone may fall in love with something that you're in no way shape or form responsible for.
or
someone may hate what you're in no way shape or form responsible for.
either way you can't claim it
yet you can't deny it either.

i'm not saying that you shouldn't attempt love.
by all means go for it

every time you stumble you'll learn a lot about yourself. i know i have.
but the price is high.
it hurts.
it sucks.
you loose friends.

but if you want love to work. if you want to experience love.
my guess is this.

know yourself,
be yourself,
die to yourself,
don't give up,
and keep loving.

if the other person does this as well...

then love will have no end.
because love is unrelentless.
love knows no end.

therefore making the question "is it better to have loved and lost than to never love at all?" totally irrelevant because...
when you have fully obtained love then you have truly won.
there is no way to end true love
not even death can kill it.
a man proved that 2000 years ago.

easy as pie...not exactly.

it's getting easier.

even thought i'm convinced he doesn't care. he hasn't even left a text message or a facebook message to say hello or ask how i am doing...that's a big WHATEVER.

because it's getting easier.


it's like the turtle and the hare, and i'm the turtle. While the hare is trying so hard to win the race, the turtle is slow yet persistant...while admiring the scenery as he aproaches the finish line.

is that even how the story goes? if not, i'm sure my version would have been a lovely childrens story, as well.



it's getting easier.

i actually decided to go on a date. (yes, ms. independent strikes again.) It was surprisingly fun. took my mind off of things. we ate food, drank chai, laughed, and went to a show. (The Non; check them out. the basist will melt your face off.) and we decided to do it again sometime.


yeah sure, my mind wanders to a mental image or memory of him from time to time. I mean, i can't exactly help it. plus, that was like 10 months of my life i will never get back. (no hard feelings, right...LOL)

but, after those 3 days of me being a hot mess, it's getting easier.








and i like it.

a start

The cars of the highway slam into each other,
The planes in the sky fall to the earth,
The trees of the soil snap in half,
And the seas begin to drain.

incandescent

what gate
will block the outpouring of my heart
what way
will commence and replace the transparency of my being

I am akin to affection
I cannot control
no longer wanting to think
no longer wanting to feel
my face is a stone and my heart is the water that cracks it

How can I stop this process?
How can I keep myself from this vulnerability?

Shrinking away from rejection
fear of pain
fear of failure

but the feelings pervade
but feelings are fickle

and time will pass
things will change

and I'll crawl away
having learned
having grown
having been made stronger

and maybe this won't be so bad
experiences make up life
and I desire to live

EP

just because i'm losing doesn't mean i'm lost
just because i'm hurting doesn't mean i'm hurt.

mermaid

5/07/08
Murky water
Can't see my feet
I swam these waters before
Once deep, now shallow, now wanting
With no sight of land
And I can't drown, nor can I stand
Or my existence will implode
And I will no longer know the point
I swim to reach but I'm going nowhere
Circling the question and beating it with my tail
Do I want the answer?
Can I accept it if I've failed
Or if I'm right and the pattern will never end
From mermaid to human to mermaid again
And deciding which is the better bargain

what he said...

Benjamin Franklin said, "Either write something worth reading, or do something worth writing".

I am beginning a new chapter of my life. One that can be seen as quite a leap of faith. Beginning with a change of heart. I am going to try and be real in my writings. I think that we need this in our world. I believe that the more we are willing to be raw and real with each other, the more we can begin to be a closer community. Establish closer relationships. One that has no boundaries. One that is deep and authentic.
So...
I guess here I am. Really struggling with life at the moment. It seems to be a constant battle in my heart. A battle between trying to keep control of my life, and trying to lay down everything to the one who knows my deepest desires...even when I don't. But I am sure at this point that I am being directed somewhere else. Somewhere more vulnerable. To a place of uncertainty and I guess fear. I am not sure what this is going to look like. I am going to try and pursue my music. Worship particularly. It is an escape from reality, into a world of colors and beauty, of intamacy between Him and me.... It is a way for me to paint Him whatever picture is in my heart, just not with a paintbrush...
And of course traveling. Missions and evangelism is just...me. The foreign people, the foreign place, the extreme emotional and physical hunger of the people. Just captures me...

I have lost myself. I have lost my identity, and I am ready to retrieve it. I don't know exactly what this is going to look like, but I know that I am going to make it.

Keep me in your prayers. It's a leap of faith for me. One that is not in my character. I love control. I love the feeling of having everything planned out according to what I think is best for me. I have been like that my whole life. Not once has my need for control brought me to a peaceful place. So, it's time to begin again. Start over. Find who I am in Christ and not who I think i want to be.

dear

i remember being 13 years old, sitting in my room all night listening to the same song over and over and over...
i thought that if i could write something beautiful, something honest, then maybe i could make someone love me.

4:10am

Stiff, tense, and powerless,
she clutches the end of her blouse.
She pretends to be deaf,
but I know she's listening
to the scattered beats of rain,
creating music for her sad song.

The song of the shadows only gets louder,
and she's too frazzled to make out what her heart is saying.
She just wants the music to stop
pricking her insides for an escape that won't kill her.



I walk the road of blood dripping
from every wound.

I've felt the pangs of loneliness
since I cried out in the middle of the night
and only silence responded.

it's picking me apart.
my insides are going insane.
i'm dizzy from the world again.

but i take his words and walk backwards, hoping to run into something better.

I won't look. I will die to everything good if I'm disappointed by life one more time.

And I wonder if anyone would see me then. Fallen from creeping along too long, too afraid to look at him and see if he really cares.

Really?

.

i am fragile; please handle with care.

i know he reads this. Just knowing that makes me not want to post anything on here ever again concerning my heart and it's emotions. but, i suppose he already knows them anyway. Which...is a good thing? Who knows?

Over the past 48 hours i have had 3 young men ask me out to coffee. and how do i reply? with a no. why? i have no idea.

my heart is holding on and won't let go.
which sucks. because when you're trying to get someone off of your mind, it's like the whole universe decides to attack you with everything that reminds you of this someone. it's like i can't watch tv, listen to music, or go out to eat without my mind wandering to a mental picture of his face. i mean c'mon.





i'm not the type of girl that likes to look clingy. that's not allison. but, he's got me so wrapped up that i find myself looking at my phone every other minute. this isn't me. i'm miss independent, part one. i'm miss don't-let-him-get-to-you. the one that brushes it off her shoulders and shoves it to the side.





i didn't want to hug him. i didn't want him to touch me. and i thought i was already a hot mess...but, when i let him hold me, that's when the dam to my heart broke. i wanted to push him away, but, instead...i melted.


then he left.
where is he now? i don't know. is he thinking of me? i don't know.

why do i care so much?
...i don't know.



and i hate the phone. but, i wished you'd call.